February 7, 2025
Whew.
I can’t believe I am writing my first blog post. This is very scary right now. All I can literally think about right now is “all the what-ifs”. “What if this happens, or what if that happens?” Not gonna, lie they all not positive “what-ifs” either. But I’m in a season now where I can finally counteract the negative ones, so it’s not all bad thoughts. I wasn’t like that before. I acted strong and stuff but inside I was holding in so much and tearing myself down so bad. It was mostly fear. Fear of struggle, fear of defeat, fear of hurt, fear of pain, and fear of unworthiness. Hell sometimes even fear of shame. You would have never of that know that though by looking at me, and definitely not by talking to me. Introverted & quite, maybe but scared? Chile please, “I’m a real thug. I shot Tupac…but I aint kill him though”. 😂
Honestly don’t even know where to start with this thing. I’m process so much right now. It’s crazy. I just ended a 5 day sabbatical. And if you would have asked me 6 days ago would I ever go on a sabbatical, I probably would of told you NO. but God told me to. He actually told me to write this blog, (a longgg time ago) but we’ll talk about that later. He told me to go on a fast from 6am-6pm, without an end date and don’t talk to anyone outside my household. Thankfully it lasted only 5 days because my family and friends are so needy. Like we don’t talk every day in real life anyway so why when I don’t answer my phone this one week, it’s a problem? (I’m just saying) 🤷🏽♀️
But I did it. Outside my mom (very briefly) I didn’t talk to any of my friends or family for a week. Ignored pretty much every one (except my future husband)😝 Sike, that man don’t like me forreal. Even though we don’t go together, I’m about to break up with him. Because “do you wanna be my man or nah”?
Like sir, let me love you ! *in my B.Simone voice
Yall, why am I like this? Lowkey I might be toxic for real. It’s me, I’m the problem this is why I’m single now.🤣
And please excuse how i jump around. my ADHD be kicking in and I’m literally typing everything that comes to my head in real time.
So, like I was saying. I was on this sabbatical – 5 days.
I’m watching instruction videos on how to fast and what a sabbatical is. They saying don’t count the Sabbath, so I took the Sabbath off. I made a pray corner, I’m waking up at 5am-ish, I’m on my hands and knees, like I’m doing it all. Even outside of these past few days, I’ve been so intentional about really wanting to give my life to God. And I love that for me because for those who know me and know my background this is soooo far left from what people might have been expecting.
I mean I was raised in the Church, I was a praise dancer, went to bible study on Wednesdays, food pantry on Saturdays and all. But Chile, once I got a little of age. I was outside. Thuggin. 💪🏽
I use to sell drugs and all, likeee go get packs and bring them back. Not no little quarter or dime bag. I was the plug for real. My momma should of know something by how much I use to love watching Narcos.
I didn’t know it then, but now the “blinders” are off. I really was just surviving. I was a single mom of then, 2 boys, and at that point had been a single mom for 7 years. I was tired of struggling. The opportunity presented itself, I knew I could trust person who was putting me on, so I said “Fck It”.
Literally, those were my exact words.
Lord God, I’m so glad you delivered me from that. 🙏🏽
I only had to go behind them bars one time to know, that is NOT the life for me. SN: I didn’t even go for drugs. 😬
If you can’t tell by now, I have some trauma and a little drama in my past life. The place God has brought me to currently though, is so beautiful. It’s scary, and hard af but I know, it will be so rewarding.
Because what’s the alternative? The idea of actually going to Hell for ETERNITY, is insane. We already living in a world full of sin. Our country is literally be ran by the devil (but we don’t talk about Bruno, No No!). 🤫
Here we are though. A 33 year old girl, navigating womanhood and motherhood, all while simultaneously trying to figure out her future, her career, her lifestyle, her wardrobe, her friendships, her businesses, her love life, her beliefs, and what she’s going to eat for dinner because she really don’t feel like cooking.
Lowkey, I’m excited for this journey! A part of me feels like it’s going to be healing. For me and for other mothers out there. My biggest prayer is that I do God justice. None of this would of even been happening if it wasn’t for him. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be a corpse. Probably by the doing of my own hands, which is the crazy part.
But I’ve been delivered !
I know if any one is reading this, yall probably thinking “this sounds weird and this lady crazy as hell”. I told yall I have ADHD. I’m self-diagnose, but I’m sure WebMD is accurate. lol
Earlier today, I was watching the season finale of Harlem, on Amazon Prime. It was soooo good, and very much triggering. I cried, like real tears because why is Camille’s life my life? Except for the living in NewYork, good paying job, rich friends, and fine ass baby daddy. I’m still gonna live vicariously through her character though. (Megan Good is my girl)
I really cried though because everyone was finding love, and thriving and having happy endings. I want that sooo bad.
*singings* “All I really want, is to be happy”
I’m tired of living this thug life. Soft life me PLEASE ! 🙏🏽
Can I say I’m no longer depressed? yes. I’m so grateful so that!
Can I say I’m happy, no. But I’m working on it, and I’m trusting God for it.
“When the time is right, I the Lord, will make it happen”. Isaiah 60:22
I’m also learning more about faith, and leaning into what it really means to have it.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
But it’s giving BIG GOD ! so yeah. 💪🏽💁🏽♀️
I feel like I’m rabbling, and I hit my word count goal. 🎉
So ima just say this.
I’m excited to embark on this new journey.
I don’t know how many people are going to read this first blog. I don’t know how long it will take to grow. But what I do know is I’m in a season of obedience. It aint no going back now, so y’all stuck with me, crazy & all.
God Bless. – M.A. (but not the “young” one) lol
Motherhood Anonymous 